Eric got the chance to be one of the actors in the Chills for CHEO ‘Crypt of Torment’ haunted house on Monday.

You’ve got to hand it to the people who make Chills for CHEO such a huge success every year. The volunteers who get into costume and frighten visitors for four hours every night have a really tough job. I know – I did it for two hours on Monday night, and it was no picnic. I got to be the “insaniac”, a machete-wielding creature in a cage.

By the end of two hours, I was soaked in sweat – I literally poured the sweat out of the mask afterward, and I smelled like latex for two full days. And these people do it twice as long, every single night, all through October!

A few of things I noticed while trying to scare people. One, I’m not nearly as good at the acting thing as are the actual actors. Two, it takes an awful lot of preparation, design and effort to scare people this much. And three, a lot of d-bags go through this haunted house.

Here’s the thing. The crypt of torment is there to scare you. You must want to be scared if you go inside. Understand? Nothing was more annoying for me, as an “actor”, than the guys who were just too cool for this whole thing. The d-bags who would stop in front of my cage and say disgusting things to me, make kissy faces, or stand with their arms crossed like, OK, I’m waiting. Of course, they were always in there with a bunch of friends who were  very impressed! Or, more often, didn’t even notice.

This is what I realized – those jerks who want to show off how UNscared they are, actually are the MOST scared of anyone. And the only way they can keep from jumping (which would be SO embarrassing in front of their friends) is to maintain this dumbass tough-guy facade. These are the same asshats who make filthy jokes and complain about chick flicks because it’s the only way they can keep from crying at The Notebook.

Here’s what you do if you’re not at all scared by something in a haunted house. You smile politely (as several people did), acknowledge the work that went into the costume or set piece, and move along. If you like, you can wave at the person in the costume, like a very sweet 6-year-old boy did to me. That’s how I know I’m not really cut out for this. If I can’t scare a 6-year-old, I may not be haunted house material.

Thankfully, the pros did most of the scaring at the Chills for CHEO haunted house, and did a heck of a lot of work to help support the Doc and Woody Fund for the operating rooms at CHEO. A huge thanks to everyone involved and all the volunteers who do such great work there for us.

And so ends Shocktober!

~ Eric